I have had the past 2 days off work – in fact I have this entire week off work with the main emphasis on completing my EMA. Procrastination and constant chatter in my head have stopped me from sitting down and writing. To be fair I did have a list of various spring cleaning chores the length of my arm as my main distraction.
Thing is – I have now collected my TMA 06 (when it was returned I simply looked at the result and the PT3 without actually looking at the marked TMA) and while my notebook has the rest of the story line and while I agree with what my tutor has suggested, I am facing writers block. Well, no – EMA block is more like it!
The journey to today has been difficult. I have had to deal with some pretty horrible and insensitive comments from my DS2 and last night was the first night in I don’t know how long that I cried. I have not mentioned this to DH as he is away and I want him to enjoy his vacation. I have not mentioned it to friends as I feel pretty stupid. DS2 has been gone since December 2010 and while I really thought it would be a temporary thing, I realised yesterday that as much as I love him and want him home and part of my life again, he does not feel the same. He cannot make it any clearer (except perhaps taking out a full page ad in the paper) that I am not wanted, needed or dare I say even loved anymore.
So – trying to find the words to complete my EMA which is all about love and the lottery is hard. I want to find that dark space where I can hide until the sun comes out again. But I know that to go to that dark space will mean a very long journey back again. One I have no intention of travelling again. So, I put on a happy face, pretend I don’t care and hit the treadmill with gusto. I paint my nails, watch TV and enjoy the silence I call home.
I’m going to set myself new goals, keep busy so I don’t have time to think – to remember when Mother’s Day cards were colourful, when DS2 smiled at me with genuine love and when I knew that leaving all that I loved behind and moving thousands of miles so that I could give DS1 and DS2 a better future was the right thing to do.
I will stop asking myself questions like – what if I did xyz differently and what if I never said what I did. The facts are, I said what I said because DS2 refused to play by the rules, refused to listen to reason and left. I regret everyday giving him the ultimatum but I had tried all other avenues and never in my wildest dreams believed that PP would let him move in with their 16 y daughter. What were they thinking?
My life has always been dramatic and filled with adventure, highs, lows and excitement. Now at least by writing this (even though it is unlikely to be read much) I am purging the guilt and moving on. I can only pray and hope that one day in the future DS2 will come back. Not to his physical home but just to me. To what we had before other people interfered and poisoned his thoughts with their own insecurities and the like. I hope they too grow up one day – the GF and the PP’s.
The rest of this week I am dedicating to finding my words for my EMA, finding my stride for the 10KM at the end of the month and hopefully loosing a few pounds!
Namaste and good luck to all those doing the EMA for A363 – the homestretch!