New beginnings

every morning is a fresh start

As I look back since I last blogged I know that so much has changed in my life. I am trying hard not to look back but instead to focus on today and the days ahead. My transient nomadic existence since separating from my husband and moving out of the family home is coming to an end which is something I am really looking forward to. I have dreams and hopes for the future, my future and this period of introspection and feeling of being out of place has served a purpose that I am slowly coming to appreciate. I have been incredibly lonely, upset, disillusioned and hopeful at the same time. Life has not always dealt me the hand I had hoped for and perhaps part of that was down to my poor choices and lack of confidence in my own capabilities. This post is to celebrate me – who I have become and as a reminder to myself that I am enough…

I am a strong South African born woman of Irish decent who has overcome the middle child syndrome and had a few really amazing love adventures. My loves have all taught me something about myself and for that I am grateful. My loves have all in one way hurt me to a degree that has forever scarred my heart and reduced the trust needed in men. I have come through emotional, physical and sexual abuse in one form or another. I have brought up (pretty independently) two son’s and financially supported both myself and both my ex husbands. I have grown in confidence at each hurdle and I am now at a stage where I am returning to my authentic self. This is someone I lost along the way by trying to fit in and change to suit the will of others.

Recently, very recently, I have begun the journey of self discovery and it is hard to look at yourself in the mirror and ask “who are you” and not know the answer. But it is a journey I will persevere and I know in my heart that good times are coming. I know I will open myself up for potentially more hurt from a man but I also know if I do not open myself up for love I will potentially miss out on experiencing the true balance of equal affection not hindered by a lopsided status quo where I am the ‘provider’ and I am the one doing all the compromising.

I have also been writing 3 pages every day which loosely follows the edict of ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron. Come early January when I move into my new flat I fully intend doing the 12 week course and embracing my creative journey. While I work in the digital technology space and while I love what I do, I have suppressed my creativity for a very very long time. I want to draw, paint, write, craft and express myself through my art and my yoga. I want to embrace the woman I am meant to be, or as a young man said to me in Harrogate recently – I am a free spirit type of woman…he did not realise what a compliment that was – aside from the fact he and his friend were pretty much trying to hit on my sister and myself despite both of them being younger than our oldest children. So thank you to the stranger – thank you for the compliment and I will take what the universe shows me and embrace things that feel right even if they are against societal conformity.

New beginnings do not need to start on 01/01/2022 – anyone reading this, embrace life, live your best life and if it is no longer fun or you feel something no longer serves you – communicate – if it does not change then have the courage to move on.